The following is an e-mail I wrote to my mom (12/04/08) after a particularly trying day. I was reading it and reflecting on how far I have come in my acceptance journey.
Momma, I know I talked to you about this earlier, but for me writing is an easier means of expressing how I feel. I thought I would write (type?) you an e-mail because I am a much more articulate typer/writer than speaker.
Mulan is one of my favorite movies because I identify with Mulan. I understand feeling as if I don’t belong…now more than any other time. The song I think of when I think of the movie is Reflection. I understand looking in the mirror and not recognizing who is staring back. When Mulan speaks of not being able to “pass for the perfect bride, or a perfect daughter” I totally identify with that thought. When I imagine my wedding, or anyone’s for that matter, I don’t visualize the bride being bald. Quite the opposite, I see her with a beautiful updo. When I think of the “perfect” daughter, whether she be a daughter on the earth or a daughter in Heaven I didn’t visualize her bald as a bean. I think one of the biggest reasons this AA diagnosis is so hard is I am forced to reevaluate all my preconcieved notions of beauty and perfection – I as an alopecian am not only beautiful, I am perfect because Heavenly Father made me like this. He knew and knows what He is doing. I have to trust in Him and place my hair, or lack thereof, in His hands. This is really hard.
I am so glad that the ratio of good days to bad swings in the favor of good days, but these bad days sure are sneaky! I have found myself avoiding mirrors which, by the way, is not as easy as it sounds. I find myself, like Mulan, saying, “Who is that girl I see Staring straight back at me? Why is my reflection someone I don’t know?” I know that through time and with lots of support and love that I will be able to say that the girl I see looking back at me in the mirror is a beautiful daughter of our Heavenly Father (with or without hair) and I will know her. But for right now I have to take it day by day.
I love you and I could not ask for a more supportive and loving mom. You have been there for me through everything. You have not given up on me nor have you ever stopped loving me. I am so glad that I have you for time and all eternity.
Love always, your bald and beautiful daughter, Valerie”
As I sit here today and type this I am so happy with how far I have come and who I am now. The journey from the girl who avoided mirrors and who felt inadequate in so many ways to the lady that sits here today who not only feels beautiful, but knows she is beautiful and loves who she has become has not been an easy one. Despite the ups and downs I am indeed grateful for the journey. One of the quotes which has helped me come to be the lady I am today and continues to help me change and live life the way I want to live it is by the American novelist and poet Don Williams Junior - 
“The road of life twists and turns and no two directions are ever the same. Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination.” My life-altering events are never going to be exactly like my mom’s or my sister’s or my best-friend’s, but they are what make me who I am. For that I am indeed grateful!
Here’s to embracing all of life’s twists and turns and for, if not enjoying them, being grateful for them. For without them, life wouldn’t be the same.
Keep laughing!
